she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
