I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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