Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
