Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
