If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
