not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
