sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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