so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
