I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
