He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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