I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
