Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
