I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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