Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
