1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
