i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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