allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
