drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
