Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
