then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
