Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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