I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
