just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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