Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize