you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
