so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
His hands were made for my vagina.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Bring me that man meat
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
