last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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