dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
