Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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