Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
