he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
