mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
