i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
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IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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