Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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