I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
