I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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