How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
