I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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