Four minutes until I can fart!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
