I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
the raccoons are back...
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