I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
