theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
