how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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