I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
