I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
