this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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