we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
