once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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