he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
