She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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