he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Shame - the story of my life.
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