God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
