she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
